Confusion Reigns Supreme

Heard last night as I sauntered out of the house to go a-blogging down the pub:

Mum: "I'm going to bed, 'cuz there's fuck-all on telly."
Dad: "What channel's that, then?"

Oh, how we tittered!

...

Checked the TV schedules the other night for something to watch.

Ghost Whisperer, the paranormal, Most Haunted, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, The X Files.
All about death, dying, and murder all on the same channel. Which channel?

"Living"

It's that time on a Friday when I can sit back and relax for a bit before a bit of drunken revelry.

Laptop fully charged, ready for some more blogging later, and everything in the office but this PC turned off and unplugged. Oooh! Ain't it gone quiet?

Catch ya later!

1 - Payday!
2 - Friday!
3 - erm...

... meh! Who cares? 1 and 2 together just means YIPPEEE!!!!

Unfortunately Friday also means people dashing in to my office with all those last minute tasks that take hours to do. And they need them by close of play this afternoon. Bathtubs!

On the way out of the carpark this evening I almost ran over a pair of magpies.
What were they doing in the middle of the road?

Well, it would appear that far from being scared shitless by his encounter with my car Sammy the Indestructible Squirrel seem to have been emboldened by it. It looks like he tried the same trick again on someone else, and the magpies were feeding on his sorry-looking, rather flattened corpse. So much for Indestructible, eh?

One down, several thousand to go! I would say "aww, poor thing!" but it was only another bloody tree-rat.

As I was driving into the carpark at work this morning a squirrel jumped out of the bushes right in front of my car with his tail fluffed up and twitching in a territorial and aggressive manner. Unfortunately I was too close to stop so I ran over him.

I checked my rear-view mirror as I trundled a bit further on only to see him still there. He'd turned to face me and was still giving it the "look how big I am" routine with his tail before dashing back into the bushes.

Mind you, if that had been me I think I would have made a dash for the bushes too!

... car.

Well, not exactly brand new.

He bought his old car, a Nissan Sunny, from the landlord of my local who had bought it for his partner's son. When his partner's son didn't get off his lazy little butt and even start learning to drive he sold the car to my dad. That was two years ago. It's just failed its MOT and is definitely not worth repairing, so my dad went out this afternoon and picked up a second-hand 1998 Citroen Xantia. The only problem is that it's white. And there's a damned great big tree outside our house, and it's bad enough cleaning the shite off of my little red Clio. There could be trouble ahead...

Ho, hum. Can't really complain for £800!

Today:

Got up early for me on a Sunday - 9am - and turned on my trusty PS2 for a game of chess or two before deciding to surface from my pit.
Brother, Sis-in-Law and niece came over for lunch.
Tried to watch the Grand Prix over them all wittering away about their recent holidays in Greece (fortunately far enough away from the forest fires, but still in the Peloponese)
Had lunch - another damned fine roast courtesy of mother dearest, pork this week.
Celebrated niece's birthday (over a week late, but what the hey) with chocolate cake in the shape of a sunflower head with marzipan petals - Mmmmmm.
Went down pub, and I'm still there.

Tomorrow:

Get up sometime with a hangover.
Watch a bit of telly, or possibly more chess or Final Fantasy on my PS2.
Try to persuade Mum and Dad to come along to the pub, where for once I will be without lappy as they're having a "Fun Day" with face-painting and a bouncy castle for the kids (no I won't be participating, thankyouverymuch!) and a Hog Roast in the carpark beer garden.
I may take a few photos of the event, as there's usually something fun happening. I dunno.
Then back home to get ready for work on Tuesday.

It's just one big round of fun and games round here, ain't it?

That's the plan anyway, but as they say - the best laid plans...

Lovely day out there again, so how come I feel like this?

Ho-hum. Only on more day of the weekend left.

Then it's back to being bored at work.

I have a vague recollection of this happening, and Mum has confirmed it.

When I was a nipper, about 4 or 5 years old, I remember being in a long queue at the Post Office with my Mum. I don't know what we were doing there because at the time all I was interested in was the sweetie counter, and I wanted sweeties.

"Muuuum?"

Mother ignores me.

"Muum?"

Still no response.

"Muuuum?" I repeat, tugging on her skirt to get her attention.

Yet again, no response.

"MUUUMMY?" says I, tugging a bit harder.

"Oh, for goodness sake what do you want!?" says Mum, her voice raised slightly in admonishment. I, being a clever little NotBob, realise that I'm heading for a smacked botty said,

"I love you..."

And the little old lady behind us in the queue smiled and said "How can you be angry at him after that?"

Bless! Dear little NotBob!

That's the cutest story about me. Anybody else want to share their cutest childhood moments?

I was looking out of my office window the other day, over the Polo field, and there was one guy exercising his mount in preparation for a game and I thought to myself:

"You can't have a pukka chukka with a solo polo pony."

Try saying that after a few pints!!

...when I stumbled upon this. I think this could grow on me.

Tech support: "Okay Ted, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Ted.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Ted.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Another one from one of my favourite artists, with someone else providing a sort of alright video accompaniment.
See if you like it, I do:

Oh, well.  Better get on and do some work...

As my internet connections have been screwing me around all day it's taken me until now to catch up with (almost) all my friends' recent posts. I must try to get that sorted.

I might not be around in blogville later tonight, so before I leave the office I leave you with the tale of the Auctioned Parrot.

A man wants a companion for his elderly mother, a pet to keep her occupied and amused in her dotage. He thinks long and hard about what sort of pet to get her.

A dog? No, needs too much exercise, and mother is getting on in years.
A cat? No, mother, unfortunately, is allergic to them.

OK, a parrot, preferably one that can talk. It wouldn't take too much effort to look after and it would talk to her and keep her company.

So he goes off to the pet shop and asks for a talking parrot, but the shopkeeper tells him that he hasn't got any left, but he knows that there will be some up for auction the following day.

The next day the man goes to the auction and sees a fine parrot in a grand cage with a reserve price of £400. He thinks to himself, "Well, if that's what it reserved at, it must be good" and he waits for it to come up for sale.

After a while there are just two people left bidding for the parrot.

£600, £650, £700, £800, £1000, on and on ever upward, and with each increase the man's thinking "This must be a good parrot for the bidding to go this high"

Eventually the man gets the last bid in at £10,000.

As he's paying for the parrot, he says to the auctioneer "This is a lot of money for one parrot, I hope he's a good talker"

And the auctioneer replied, "He is. Who do you think you were bidding against!"

Oh shit, oshit, oshittyshitty shit shit!

Just popped along the corridor to deliver some printing and I heard Solomon's dulcet tones from one of the other offices.

I'd better make it look like I'm busy!

Last time I whipped out my gold card I was asked "Would you like Cash back?"

And I thought, "If only..."

I probably won't be blogging later tonight as I would normally do, I've got other things to catch up on. So I'm gonna say this to you all now:

Have fun, take care and I'll blog ya tomorra!

This one's been doing the rounds, so I might as well join in. Got nothing better to do now the Imodium's kicked in

Vinyl or CD?
Vinyl.

New York or London?
Neither. I'm a country-type person

Night Club or down the Pub?
PUB!!!!

Sofa surfer or Gym bunny?
Sofa Surfer, I haven't got the energy for much else. Especially today.

Money or Fame?
Money. Fame sucks your soul out without you knowing it. I'd rather die rich and obscure then famous and broke.

Tent or Caravan?
Caravan. I can't put up a tent.

Vodka or Gin?
Surely that should be "and"?

Chocolate or Cheese?
Cheese. Too much choccie and I tend to bounce off the walls.

Camembert or Cheddar?
Cheddar. Can't go wrong with a decent bit of Cheddar. Stilton's better, though.

Age & Wisdom or Youth & Beauty?
Had the latter, trying to master the former.

Burial or Cremation?
Yes. Well, I won't be around to notice, will I?

Not feeling too good today, but I managed, somehow, to struggle in to work. My guts are in turmoil. I wanna fart, but I daren't.

I don't know if it was the quantity of what I ate last night, the quality of it or possibly both or even what I washed it all down with but I've been up and down those two flights of stairs to the nearest Gents' so many times (and so quickly) that I'm sure it's got to be doing my leg muscles some good!

OK, too much info there, methinks.

I just hope it has settled down a bit by 5, because I've got to drive over to Aldershot to pick my dad up from the pub (hopefully not literally!) and take him home. Will I be able to last 15 miles in a moving vehicle?

I hate it when I get struck down like this. I feel OK otherwise. Bright as a button and right as rain.

Got myself a personalised numberplate.

I did it the cheap way, I've changed my name to P987 TUD

As you can see this is me motah all nice and shiny after coming back from being repaired.
You may also notice it is parked under some trees.

Guess how long it stayed nice and shiney

Just wandering down memory lane once more, thinking happy thoughts.

My first true holiday without parents or teachers to keep me in check was back in '91 when I went to Cairo for ten days with my then best mates, W and n-n-n-N (he had a stammer )

We went out at just about the worst time of year - last week of June, first week of July. The weather forecast was for temperatures of 48C in the shade, so we were sensible and stayed out of the shade. The hotel was nice, but not grand. Hey, we were young and didn't have that much money!

On the first morning I was up at dawn and drew the curtains back to be confronted by the sight of the sun rising over the Pyramids. I thought it couldn't get much better than this!

We met up with three young ladies on that first day and as they were first-time visitors to Egypt and W had been several times before, we would do some sight-seeing together. We did all the usual attractions, except for the sound and light show at the Pyramids as in the words of W "I've seen it before, it's crap." Thanks, but I'd have liked to see for myself.

We ate out every night as we had heard the reputations of a few other local hotels, I particularly enjoyed the ice-cream at one of them which came to the table in what I would normally call a fruit bowl. It was massive - a 12 inch dish filled with every flavour of ice-cream you could imagine, and enough to feed four. We had one each! Other meals out included the best restaurants along Pyramids Street which were KFC, Wimpy, and just over the road Happy Joe's Pizza Parlour (I kid thee not!)

We also made sure we had the same taxi driver for the entire holiday and Faruq was the first one we met. He charged 15 Egyptian pounds per day, which at the time was about £3.75, not bad, I thought. He took us all around Cairo and Giza and even down to Memphis - no sign of Elvis, though .

The Egyptian Museum was stunning, particularly the Tutankhamun section with all the intricate gold jewellery that was buried with him.

The lesser known but equally significant pyramids dotted around Giza were fascinating, with their rich murals and depictions of what each pharoah did during their lives and what they were going to be taken to in the afterlife. OK, you have to use your imagination a lot, but there's plenty in there to start you off.

The carpet factory where Faruq's neice was bieng trained was very interesting, and I was stunned by the detail that they wove into the designs. I bought a couple of smallish mats, which have retained their colour to this day.

One day we decided to go for a horse ride around the Pyramids. I wasn't too sure because I'd never ridden before, but I was outnumbered 5 to 1.

I got on my horse and the lads and lasses being the people they are all galloped off with the guide and I held on for dear life screaming at the top of my lungs for them to slow the down! They slowed down and allowed me to catch up and it was decided that they would go round with the guide and I would walk my horse around with the guide's son on a donkey.

On the way around the Pyramids the guide's son told me quite a bit about the sights. He told me that the main Pyramid of Khufu was made with over 3 million blocks and the head of the Sphynx is one natural stone outcrop that was carved into the shape of the head of an as-yet unknown pharoah. He's probably doing that professionally these days. As he led me back to the compound where we hired the horses he stopped, turned to me and said "We go no further without baksheesh." rubbing his thumb and fingers together. I made the classic mistake of pulling out a E£10 note rather than the 50 peastre note I was going to give him and his eyes lit up until I put it away and found the 50 peastre note. Little bastard insisted that I give him the first one. He could only have been about 8 or 9, but he's sure got the right frame of mind for that kind of work!

On the last day we decided to stay up all night as we had an early flight and it wouldn't be worth going to bed. Ahmed the barman threatened to close the bar as he had to set up the restaurant for breakfast. n-n-n-N suddenly says, "Naah! Leave the bar open and we'll help set up!"

Reluctantly Ahmed agreed, although he did spend most of his time hunched in a corner trying to avoid flying plates amid the occasional shouts of "Oi, W! I need another saucer over her!"
Not a single item was broken, and it was set up in good time for us to get back to the bar before breakfast.

Ahh, happy days!

This song, though rather maudlin, has often help to lift me out of the pit.

Just repeat the chorus as you drift off to sleepy-byes!

Such softly singing lulled me sleep...

Gotta go shortly, I'm now only on battery power, so until tomorrow night-night!

Picked up the test from Xenon and did it.  My result is as follows:

Your Score: Pure Dork34 % Nerd, 17% Geek, 73% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Dork, earning you the title of: Pure Dork. Like our friends Napoleon Dynamite & co.

It's not as though you were some whiz-kid in school. Oh, sure, you probably did okay in some classes, but were probably awful in others. Certainly most people thought you were smarter than you thought yourself to be. And it's not that you have some overriding passion, like computers or Star Trek that sets you apart for the crowd, though you likely share some interest in some of those sorts of things. You just like to be yourself, and want to express yourself for who you are.

And, really, there's nothing wrong with that. Being who you are often invites scorn, and so it's a difficult thing in a world that rewards conformity. Be proud of your dorkiness, for often it's just another word for individuality. (I'd vote for you!)

Congratulations!

Got up at the crack of noon.
Had some breakfast (lunch).
Watched a bit of telly about tea clippers, early motor racing and the Queen Mary (3 different programmes in a series, not just the one!)
Cracked open another bottle of cider for a glass or two.
Headed into the village for some ciggies and my Lotto ticket.
Came to the pub to catch up with some blogging.

Sounds typical so far.

Now the unusual bit:

Text message from Leeds United: "GOAL 2:02 Leeds A.Thompson LATEST LDS 1:0"
Then another: "HT) LDS 1:0 SOU"
Then another: "GOAL 68:40 Southend A.Barrett LATEST LDS 1:1 SOU"
Then another: "GOAL 84:41 Leeds T.Flo LATEST LDS 2:1 SOU"
Then another: "GOAL 87:42 Leeds T.Kandol LATEST LDS 3:1 SOU"
Then another: "GOAL 90:00 Leeds J.Beckford LATEST LDS 4:1 SOU"

And a final one confirming the full-time score - Leeds 4, Southend 1.

Three games on the trot! W00T!

Bringing you all a bit more up to date with how varied my musical tastes are, here's one to relax you after a night on the tiles...