Confusion Reigns Supreme

Does David Milliband MP have a brother called Steve?

....

If a lawyer and a tax inspector were drowning and you could only save one would you:
1) Go to lunch or
2) Read the paper?

....

What cruel bathtard put an "eth" in lithp?

....

Considering what it is, why is dyslexia so f#@king hard to spell?

....

What if the hokey-cokey really is what it's all about?

Which joker tagged me as "twisted his ankle whilst dancing to Mozart"?

And more to the point, how did you know?

...of mice and men gang aft aglae!

So much for me blogging until midnight last night

By the time I'd got home from work - the copier still hasn't turned up yet - got changed, had dinner, watched a bit of telly - otherwise known in my house as "quality time with the family" - got round to the pub, checked my emails and comics and updated my comic, it was just gone eleven. So I thought "Right, an hour of blogging, then!"

Site down for routine bloody maintenance. B*llocks!

Anyway, for some reason I keep thinking today's Sunday, but that's beside the point.

Want a real laugh? I'm sitting in the pub, smoking away with the rest of the regulars who have all congregated here to enjoy "the last gasp" before the smoking ban comes in and...
.
.
.
.
... most of them are sitting out in the rain in the garden!

Oh the irony!

In other news: Yay! Lewy may not have got pole for tomorrow's GP, but at least he's on the front row. GO LEWIS! Should be a good race tomorrow. Certainly looks like he'll extend World Championship lead with Alonso so far back down the grid.

Good to see Kubica not only back in a car, but fourth on the grid. Jeez, that guy must have balls of steel!

Just for a change, I'm NOT DOWN THE PUB!

No, not at this time on a Friday. I'm in the office with very little to do as I've had to put all my jobs on hold until the new photocopier arrives. I'd set aside yesterday morning for the upheaval, as that was the time the suppliers gave us that it would arrive.

I'm still bloody waiting.

And people are beginning to get more than a little pissed off. Not just me and my colleagues, but the engineer who's waiting to link the bloody thing up to my computer.

And t'internet's still intermittent here. I'll probably only do this one and then wait until this evening so I can blog away until midnight!

Spent a nice quiet day at the office, there was hardly anyone in to disturb me. I could have spent the entire day blogging, but the internet connections are totally screwed at work. It'll be alright for about 5 minutes and then everything just drops out.

Got some good news, I won't be seeing one of my bosses until Monday, and some bad, Monday is Staff Day - an entire morning wasted waiting for the half-hour meeting that actually applies to me and my immediate colleagues. Mind you the afternoon's been set aside for a barbecue! In this weather?

Paddington's looking well after his birthday celebrations - he can handle his drink, that big ol' fart! He was bounding around like a two-year old this morning. Certainly woke me up!

Oh well, nothing else to report.

I think I may be blogging a bit too much. My wrist has developed a dull ache, much like my neck did after that accident. Still, nothing deters THIS NotBob!

After my little rant-ette about screaming kids in pubs, NotBob's patent Predictometer suddenly switched on and said "You just know it's going to get worse from Sunday when all the non-smokers descend on your temple of peace and tranquility." You have been warned!

And on a totally different subject again (I'm trying to fit as much as I can in before kicking out time) at work a few years ago, we lent another organisation one of our two plotters out of the goodness of our collective heart (back when we had one!) The one we kept back has just broken down, so we decided to call in the favour only to find that, as they hadn't used it for 6 months they'd thrown it in the skip this morning.
Yes, £3000 worth of our equipment, which should have been returned to us to dispose of if necessary. Bloody shysters. And their IT department couldn't even recall borrowing it in the first place, despite the big fxxk off signs plastered over it saying "Property of xxxx". Theiving gits.

Anyway, back to the lighter stuff...

Today is my dog's birthday! Woopee , I hear you all say, but wait. Paddington is a pure Newfoundland, with the blood of champions coursing through his veins. They normally live to 9-10 years if you're lucky. He's just turned 13 and still going strong. I think he's indestructable!

....

Poem of the week #1 of probably 1:

I sat belonely down a tree
Humble, fat and small.
A little lady sing to me
I couldn't see at all

Speak up, come forth, you raddle me,
I potty-mentole shout
I know you hiddy by this tree,
But still she won't come out.

Such softly singing lulled me sleep
An hour or two or so.
I wake me slow and took a peep,
But still no lady show.

Then Suddy on a tiny twig
I thought I see a sight,
A tiny little tiny pig
Which sing with all its might!

I thought you were a lady!
I giddle, well I may,
To my surprise the lady
Got up and flew away.

John Lennon c1967

I got barred from my local swimming pool the other day. I couldn't understand why when they said they didn't want my type in there.

Until I got changed and realised the "S" had worn off my Speedos!

.......

Familiar pub soundbites:

"It was the floorboards, honest!"

"I wouldn't go in there for a few minutes, if I were you!"

"Yeah, but after Sunday all this place is gonna smell of is farts and BO."

1. Why, if the Bionic Woman's hearing was so good, did she always have to brush her hair away from her ear for it to work effectively? Is human hair really that good an acoustic insulator?

2. Why can't kids these days use headphones? We don't all want to share in the wonderfully tinny reproduction of your latest download.

Just got back to my table down the pub to start my blog after battling my way through all the drinkers at the bar - both of them! That was really hard work

I've just been watching coverage from Glastonbury with the sound turned down and the pub music turned up. Shirley Bassey's looking good these days. What really creased me up though was that I was watching her and listening to the Pussycat Dolls.

"Doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?" will never be the same for me again

Nothing much else to report.

I suppose as it's getting late, and I still haven't updated either of my comics I may as well call it a day.

OMG! It's dark outside! Woooaah! Spent far too long down the pub! Oh no, I'm in trouble now!

Name 15 people in your family (still alive)
Mum, Dad, 2 Brothers, 1 Sister-in-law, 1 Neice, more uncles, aunts cousins, second cousins, second cousins once removed than you can shake a stick at (220 at the last count!) - my father is of Irish decent and they don't watch much telly!

Name 14 movies you like

Armageddon, Bladerunner, The Time Machine (original version), The Fly (original version), 2001, 2010, 2061, Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Mans Favorite Sport?, Unforgiven, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Christine.

Name 13 things you like to do

Reading, playing computer games, cartooning, watching cricket, darts, drinking, chess, walking the dogs, astronomy, working (yes, you did read that right!), cycling, nature-watching, skiing.

Name 12 artist/bands you like
AC/DC, Leftfield, Deep Purple, The Stranglers, Thin Lizzy, Gabriel & Dresden, The Chemical Brothers, Emiliana Torrini, Bjork, Nat King Cole, Rush, Aerosmith.

Name 11 friends
Tim, "H", Jilly, John, Graham, Graham, Graham, Ricky, John, Jo, Ian

Name 10 songs you like
Whole Lotta Rosie, Whiskey in the Jar, Smoke on the Water, (Get a) Grip (on Yourself), Tracking Treasure Down, Red Barchetta, Phat Planet, My Big 10", Love Don't Let Me Go (Walking Away), Walk This Way (original version)

Name 9 animals you like
Dogs, tigers, otters, badgers, meerkats, pandas, pangolins, mice, voles.

Name 8 things you've done this month
blogged, ridden a bike, worked, cooked, walked, driven, got drunk (NOT before driving, I hasten to add!), partied as hard as I could around my neck of the woods - Woo! helium balloons, YAY!!

Name 7 shows you like
Coronation Street, CSI Miami, CSI New York, Celebrity Masterchef, Mythbusters, Sports Disasters, the news.

Name 6 ice-cream flavors you like
Vanilla, Raspberry ripple, Toffee ripple, Banana, Mint Choc Chip, Coffee

Name 5 names you like
Siobhan, Seamus, Niamh, Naomi, Stephanie

Name 4 foods you like
Meat, Carbs, Fat, Grease

Name 3 of your favorite colors
Red, Green, Blue (I'm a bit of a techie!)

Name your 2 best friends
Nick O'Teen & Al Cohol

Name your ..1 lover/crush/girlfriend/wife
no-one

Copy and paste, then delete my answers and put your own.

Right here goes.

I didn't mean for this blog to start turning into some bitter rant-fest, but some things just really piss me off.

I've come down to the pub in order to socialise for a while (done that, still doing that, and will continue to do that until kicking out time, probably), to catch up with my e-mails (done that up to a point (there are some that I really shouldn't open in public )) and check out various webcomics (done that, too).

What I haven't come down here for is to be surrounded by everybody else's screaming fucking brats. I appreciate that having kids should not curb your social life too much, and if they are well behaved they are welcome during the day. But when you get to the point where you have kids running around, getting under other (childless) people's feet, fighting with each other and screaming at the top of their lungs, surely it's time to take the little fuckers home!

Don't get me wrong - I love kids.

I just couldn't eat a whole one!

Why do people always bring work to me on a Friday afternoon usually saying "I need this for Monday morning"?

Why do people seem to feel the need to complain to my boss that I'm always tetchy on a Friday afternoon?

Why does all my equipment fail spectacularly on a Friday afternoon, with no chance of getting an engineer in until Monday afternoon?

Why do people always wait until I'm really, really busy trying to sort out these problems to descend on me with the latest little bit of office "humour" and expect me to laugh my arse off?

In short - I HATE FRIDAY

There. Rant over.

I feel better now. Especially as I'm down the pub with a glass or three of cider in me, and a couple more due about *looks at clock* now!

Some bright spark discovered that there's more than a few other routers dotted around the building I work in, all working on different systems. I switched to one of those others and my internet problems were resolved! Guess that's me failed as a techie

Today saw the departure of one of our longest-serving consultants, off to the land of pensionville. So we all decamped to a not-so-local hostelry about a quarter of an hour's drive away for a farewell do. I was expecting the same old garbage to be trotted out about her past work with us, and I wasn't wrong to. However, some former members of staff turned up to mark the occasion and, by crikey, it was good to see them all in such good health. Reminded me of the good times that we all used to have that are now long gone, but still nothing lasts forever, does it? Onward and upward to pastures new, untried and untested.

Back to that not-so-local pub. It was nice, I suppose. The food was excellent as usual (we've all piled in there a good few times over the years) but the drinks £3.10 for a pint of cider? I can remember the days when cider was the drink of the poorer person because it was so cheap! Mind you I remember saying I'd give up smoking when it got to £1.50 a pack!

OK, a cheap plug for one of my webcomics, but you've got to take the opportunities when they jump out at you. Pen and Pad is based on my two adorable doggies and the latest installment is available by following this link: http://www.drunkduck.com/Pen_and_Pad/?p=229014

Well, it made me laugh!

Sat in the office today, still trying to work out the problems with the internet - ho, hum, isn't my life fantastic - with a stiff neck. Thanks, Mrs Woman in the tank!

One of the cleaners noticed my discomfort and asked what the problem was. I explained, pretty much as I did here yesterday, and she said that two years ago she was involved in a multiple-vehicle pile-up and suffered whiplash both front to back and through twisting. And there was me feeling sorry for myself. She still suffers limited mobility in her neck after all that time. I must get my neck checked out, especially as the pain that shot through it this morning as I got up almost made me throw up. It's either that or do the "manly" thing and soldier on as my dad suggests. Hmm, just this once, dad, I'll wimp out.

Made the mistake of trying to open the bonnet of the Clio when I got home last night. Now no-one can close the damned thing. Fortunately it's one of the early models where the bonnet opens forwards, so it's driveable as long as I don't reverse too quickly. I don't like to, but the public transport around here is abyssmal! Gods only know how much it's going to cost to repair. Hopefully not as much as I was quoted for my old (little) Volvo after a Transit van reversed into it. I don't seem to have much luck with other people reversing, do I?

This morning at about 08:10 I was following on of those huge new Volvo 4X4 beasts in my mum's little red Clio - god, I love that car. We reached the end of one of my local roads and both wanted to turn right onto the next road. As usual, nobody approaching from the left would let us out and a queue of traffic was building up behind us. So the Volvo driver gently eased out into the flow of traffic, trying to persuade someone, anyone, to give way. Still no-one did.

Very soon a queue of traffic built up to our right as well, so the driver of the behemoth in front of me decided to let them go and engaged reverse. Straight into my car! She (the Volvo driver) got out, inspected the damage and said to me "Sorry, I didn't see you!" Got straight back into her tank and drove off without leaving any details.

I carried on to work thinking "Stupid F***ing cow! Didn't see me? Didn't bloody look, more like!" or words to that effect.

Upon reflection, if she had checked her mirrors and couldn't see me in my car, what chance any kid at that school that she dropped her kids off at?

SUV's, 4X4's, Chelsea Tractors - call them what you will - should be banned from urban streets, especially for the school run. They are a danger to all those around them!

I'm now sitting in the pub trying my best to lubricate a stiff neck.

Anybody know a good detective agency and a good lawyer?

Same old thing at work today - intermittent internet, co-workers sniping about how it "was alright when I used it" and people expecting to get A0 copies out of an A3 copier.

And then comes the bombshell - THE ANNUAL BONUS REVIEW RESULTS -

Big brown envelope hits my desk with those words (handwritten) on it. I view it with all the suspicion of someone who really should know better. Annual. Bonus. Brown. Envelope. Could they? Would they? Just for one year actually could they have put my application on the wrong pile? Just once? Please?

I open it with shaking hands (note to self - must stop drinking so much) and pull out...

A letter outlining why I had not been considered for the bonus (again), but assuring me that my work was always of a high standard and BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR!

Bastards.

I'm now down the pub trying to drown what little self respect I had left.

Never thought I'd write a word about Beckham, either in favour or not, but here goes:

Real Madrid have just won La Liga and Our Dave prances around the pitch with the cross of St George draped across his shoulders! Errm? Excuse me? OK he's English and proud - as he should be - but he's playing for a Spanish club that have just won the Spanish equivalent of the Premiership. Why the need to drape the English flag around his shoulders? For ****'s sake if that happened here we'd need an annual supply of every national flag in the bleedin' world!

Just how good is that Hamilton boy, eh? Leading the American GP at The Brickyard from the grid to the flag except, of course, during the usual pit-stop swap-arounds, despite Alonso trying his best to battle his way past. The guy is a sensation, a true ambassador for black youth, the team, the sport and ultimately for Britain. I can only watch in awe of what unfolds before my eyes.

Shame, though, that through pure bad luck and being in the wrong place at the wrong time David Coulthard failed to make it due to being T-boned by Schumacher after Schuey collected Barrichello at the first corner.

At least Button got off the grid this time, but how embarrassing to be overtaken by Davidson effectively driving his old car!

Blimey! Who'd have thunk it possible? Pole again. Two on the trot! Jeez the boy can drive. Let's just hope he can follow it up with a victory at the Brickyard.

And Alonso, shut your trap, you're only making it worse for youself.

Leeds United are now in the same division as Port Vale.

Maybe I'll bump into Robbie Williams.

I'd like that just so I could shake him warmly by the throat

Yes, me again, down the pub after a hard day's semi-online trauma - I mean work - and the first thing for me to do is try to find a spare seat. That's like finding a chicken's tooth when you're surrounded by turkeys! Computer up and running (obviously) and I'm ready for a few more hours going square-eyed.

What a week! They are now blaming the dodgy internet at work on the bleedin' weather. I swear I work with a bunch of... anyway...

Got the pull-out for the forthcoming footie season today. I knew I shouldn't have looked, because I knew how it would make me feel to see my beloved team further down than ever before. First 4 games: Tranmere away, Southend home, Nottingham Forest away, Luton home. How the mighty have fallen, the former Premiership contenders Leeds United playing the likes of Southend. Not that I've got anything against Southend (yet) but we should be up there with the likes of Man U, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal as we were just a few short years ago.

Don't ask me why I follow Leeds, because I would not be able to give an understandable answer. I don't live in Leeds, I don't come from Leeds none of my family are from there (that I know of!) and I've only ever been THROUGH there twice. I suppose you could put it down to the fact that I grew up in the 70's, dad was a footie fan and Leeds always seemed to be in the news for one reason or another, combined with the fact that most of my friends supported either Arsenal, Chelsea or Man U. A little rebel even before I left primary school, huh? More rebel without a clue than without a cause!

Shortly after moaning about the intermittent internet connection at work, what should happen down the pub? Yup, the internet dropped out on me again!

Still, it's closing time now, so no more from me until next time I'm down the pub.

See ya tomorrow

Hmmm... The office? Naa! It' gone 5pm.

At home? Wrong again! No free internet there!

In that case...

Yup! I'm down the pub again!

When will they listen to me about the intermittent internet connection at work? When? WHEN? I think I'll have to check the weather forecast in Hades before I can easily answer that.

I think I may have to cut back on my lunchtime sessions at work. I felt like a nice refreshing large G&T today, but as I walked in to the pub they'd already poured my usual and had it waiting for me on the bar! Oh deary, deary me. At least I'm predictable most of the time

I'm getting some extremely good reviews from my fellow webcartoonists for my latest project.
Which is nice.

Umm, I think that's just about it. Catch ya later!

Yet another day of t'internet dropping out at random at work. And no-one listening to my suggestion that the ageing power cables in the entire building are the most likely cause.

Grrr!!!

Anyway, on a lighter note, I've just spent the last couple of hours catching up on the webcomics that I missed over the last few days. Great fun, if you like that kind of thing.

Note to self - must resurrect my old webcomic and bring it up to date, as well as keeping IDMAT up and running.

One brief bit of ego-massaging, though - if you Google IDMAT my cartoons are one of the first search results to come up! YAY, ME!:p

Very little else to report. Signing off for now.

Yet another day at the office with a temperamental internet connection!

And now, as I'm the main internet-geek and the router is in my office I'm getting accused of breaking the darned thing. Why would I do that? I need it.

Anyway, in between outages, I've been in discussion with several members of the "Is Everything Shit" forum concerning the relative merits of various science fiction/fantasy authors. This was prompted by one of the younger members (a schoolgirl, 16 years old with a mouth like a sewer on the forum!) suggesting that Douglas Adams was the best writer, apart from Orwell, of the 20th Century, and begging, yes BEGGING, for people to disagree. I just felt I had to oblige with just three that sprang to mind that, in my - and other people's - opinion would fit the bill. They were Arthur C Clark, Isaac Asimov and HG Wells.

Another member added Ray Bradbury, to which I concurred, explaining that I had deliberately truncated my list of favourites for fear of sounding like a book bore, which I know annoys several other members of the group.

I was hoping for her to ask for an explanation of my choices, but typically, she just reasserted her original claim and would not be swayed from it. Such a closed mind on an open-minded forum. What a waste...

And in other news - I'm now sitting in my local with my laptop in front of me, enjoying not only a pint, but also a good clear internet signal. Must go now, a game of darts has just broken out, and I feel the urge to join in!

Today has been a total unexpurgated disaster.

Well, maybe not that bad, but pretty damned close.

Got to work, turned on my PC and got ready to do some stuff online, as is my wont at times. The internet connection kept dropping out after about 5 seconds of connection, and even when it was up and running it was painfully slow. Managed to put up with it, but after trying to download a particular page, getting up, making a coffee and sitting back at my desk and taking a mouthful, and seeing the damned thing still hadn't finished downloading it, I gave up and worked offline for the rest of the morning.

Went to lunch.

Came back, turned PC back on and tried to get online again. No. Nothing. Nix. Nada.

Tried self diagnosis. "No problems found".

OK, last resort. The old 3-pin reboot. Waited. Tried to get online. Yet again nothing.

Tried a different terminal. Nothing.

Meanwhile all my colleagues are queueing up to get online.

*sobs gently into coffee*

I'm now down the pub after work. And I'm online. WAAAH!